Women don’t have less sexual desire

There is this misconception that women have less sexual desire than men, especially in heterosexual relationships. It is wrongly thought that man is the sex that wants more sexuality. However, we find as many couples in therapy where the man is the Ppartner having Moins de Dsexual desire (PMD) in the relationship. On the other hand, we don’t talk much about this in society, because there is a stigma for a man to have less desire than his partner. There is also a stigma for a woman to have more. They are often considered as “nymphomaniac” which is to the detriment of the expression of their sexuality.

Repression of female sexual desire

It is easy to see that the expression of sexual desire in women is not rewarding for her, especially in adolescence. Boys are strongly encouraged to do so and those who don’t are stigmatized. For girls, we quickly fall into demeaning terms that damage their reputation. So they internalize fast enough that their sexual desire has to be repressed, hidden, or romanticized to be accepted. The only type of sexual desire that is not judged negatively in girls is the desire where they are in love with a person (a boy or a girl).

Masturbation

Compare the discourses and comfort surrounding masturbation in men and women. It is taken for granted that a man masturbates in our society, which is not necessarily the case. When women are asked the question, there is often discomfort and a reluctance to want to answer. Something that is found very little in men and young boys. Even between teenage girls, the mere mention can be met with disgust by other girls.


Masturbating is making love to the person you love the most!


Adulthood

Women therefore learn as adults that they should not be overly sexual and gendered. They have internalized that the expression of their sexuality will be perceived pejoratively and to the detriment of their image and reputation. Once in a relationship, they must continue to repress their sexuality and maintain the appearance that they are the PMD of the couple.

In the clinic, we observe…

What we notice in couples therapy with a sex therapist psychotherapist is often a very different story. Women don’t have less desire, but they get tired of sexuality that they allow and that we offer. This is as true for heterosexual couples as it is for lesbians.

Sex routine that kills

Women, in general, tire more quickly of the lack of variety in their sexuality. Predictability and redundancy are less acceptable to them. On the other hand, as they do not have the “permission” to express their sexuality, they undergo what is offered to them. They dare not ask for more for fear of judgment or hurting their partner’s fragile ego.

The phenomenon of “50 shades of Grey” demonstrates how much women have sexual desire. More and more, we notice that she demands more sexuality and demonstrates their sexual preferences. However, the resistance persists to be present and this comes as much from the men as from the women themselves.


If women’s sexuality wasn’t so fierce and threatening, why is it so repressed around the world?


Sexual Creativity Brings Risks

To get out of the sexual routine, you have to work on your sexual creativity. Theoretically simple, practically very difficult. When you learn all your life to repress your sexuality, sexual preferences and desire, it is difficult to take an active role in sexual relationships. Taking your place when you don’t value this type of behavior in women creates a lot of insecurity. Even between two lesbian women, it can be difficult.

We also take the risk that the other does not like what we offer them or does not share the same fantasies. One can be disappointed that the other does not embark on the role and that the game or the sexual scene do “pouit pouit“.

Talk dirty!

Let’s take a more concrete example. You’ve always been rather quiet in your sexual relations where you don’t talk during the act. You’ve always had this fantasy of saying dirty things but you’ve never dared to do it. You finally take your courage in both hands and you launch with an unexpected and salacious phrase that confuses your partner. He/she doesn’t know more or less how to answer it, unease sets in…the broken mood. You feel silly and your partner is a little ‘turned off’ by surprise.

The premeditated spanking!

This time you get ahead of yourself by explaining to your spouse that you have always dreamed of receiving slaps on the buttocks during penetration and that sexuality be more “rough” and passionate. So, this time we avoid the surprise so as not to find ourselves in the same discomfort. The evening is high in sexual tension, you are desirous of your lover. The sexuality begins and the kisses are different and more pleasant than usual. You are back after several minutes of caressing and you anticipate with great excitement the slap on the buttocks. Your partner takes you from behind and gives you THE said smack…but “pouit pouit“… she was too soft and lacked passionate firmness. You are disappointed! Your partner did not meet your expectations. You don’t say anything so as not to hurt him/her and make him/her feel incompetent.

Short!

These stories may have happened before or a similar one with its own intricacies. So you have given up on the idea of ​​being sexually creative, because it requires a lot of effort, apprehension, disappointment and conflict in your sexuality. You then accept the sex that is offered to you, you quietly lose the sexual desire for your partner to preserve the relationship and not go too far out of your respective comfort zones.


Women have no less sexual desire than men. They are just less interested in the sexuality offered to them in their long-term relationships.

-Esther Perel


It’s up to you ladies to decide if you’re ready to get the sexuality you want or stay in the status quo to keep the relationship intact at all costs.


Francois Renaud MA

Sexologist psychotherapist Montreal

Specializes in couples therapy

About the Author


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Women don’t have less sexual desire


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