How to get along in privacy when one likes furtive hugs and the other swears by lovemaking that lasts all night? And besides, is it really better when sex lasts for hours? Our experts take stock of these questions that many couples ask themselves.
Is there a “right” length of time for intercourse?
Alexia Bacouël, sex therapist : Our desire is very much linked to our psychological and physical state. A report can be long or short and be ecstatic. However, what I often observe in consultation at heteronormous couples, these are rrather short sexual relations (7 to 10 min), with the same scheme : foreplay, penetration, possible orgasm, ejaculation and end. This does not allow women to take real pleasure. We enter into the issues of sexual routine that no longer make you fantasize, and desire that dulls.
Dr Sylvain Mimoun, gynecologist and andrologist : The right duration, it is the one where both partners are satisfied. If one goes slowly, the faster one must adapt his pace to this slowness. But this is not necessarily always doable, especially if the man ejaculates too fast. Pay attention then to frustration which can induce more or less profound changes in the couple. If the woman is dissatisfied, she will space reports more and more until there is none at all. Conversely, if the man thinks he is doing well with endless preliminaries, or only has fun with a very long penetration, it can become annoying or painful for his partner.
Do we enjoy more if sex lasts a long time?
Alexia Bacouël : No not necessarily, we can cum very quickly if you know your body, as one can enjoy after a long time. There is no rule in this matter. In a sensory experience, we take our time and we can discover much more powerful pleasures than in a schematized sexual act. However, when this goes on for a long time, it can be boring.
Dr Sylvain Mimoun : Theoretically, if the report is longer, the woman can have more pleasure, still it is necessary that the man is able to last a long time! That he knows how to give her pleasure by caresses, games, that she knows how to receive them and answer her in turn. IF the report is “just” long, it may just hurt the partner or be boring. Also, if she doesn’t say she’s in pain, the man won’t understand that she doesn’t want to continue. Must therefore communicate fast enough to set up a collusion!
Is it different for men and women?
Alexia Bacouël : It is an individual difference, disconnected from gender, under the only influence of our desire and our disposition of the moment.
Dr Sylvain Mimoun : If they got used to it to have an ejaculation or a reflex enjoyment, it will be quick in both. But man has more often early ejaculations that the woman of “stealth” orgasms. The average duration of the report with foreplay is 10 minutes, but the woman can enjoy the caresses and no longer want to penetrate, which frustrates the man. On the other hand, if he ejaculated before she could have fun and it stays there, it is she who will be frustrated. What is important is the pleasure that everyone takes.
Alexia Bacouël: You just have to be frank about it and say without complaining. Express yourself simply without taking the roundabout ways, saying that you need it to be shorter or longer. If the other does not hear our need, then it is better to change partners. You have to be able to express your limits, your needs, feel listened to and considered in order to be confident, this is the very essence of successful moments of sharing.
Dr Sylvain Mimoun : Ideally, in positive things. Start by saying “I love having sex with you, but if it lasts longer it’s even better, can we make it longer?” ” Above all, talk about it as soon as possible, otherwise the partner will not understand this turnaround.
Discussing your desires and limits is the key to a benevolent understanding.
Alexia Bacouël : The is necessary to open a space for discussion on intimacy to evoke desires, the fantasies, the limits of each one … It is the key to the success of a benevolent agreement. I realize that when there is no space for discussion about sexuality, we end up talking about it when things are not going well.
Dr Sylvain Mimoun : If he is premature ejaculator, he must be treated in order to regain confidence in readi and satisfy his partner. In the meantime, he can introduce a sextoy in their games, and penetrate his partner with it so that she has time to have fun before coming himself. And above all, it is necessary avoid frustrations, play and talk to each other, calmly. May each take a step towards the other in love and kindness so that they can have fun together.
What to do in case of premature ejaculation?
It is said that ejaculation is premature when it occurs less than 2 minutes after the start of penetration. It can be treated by various means. Through medication like the Priligy which delays ejaculation a little but has a lot of side effects, or numbing cream placed on the crown of the acorn, but especially by learning to breathe through your stomach and move your pelvis to reduce stress, by taking breaks during the penetration so that the excitement goes down a little, and finally by a psychological care or hypnosis. Perhaps the best is to combine the solutions.
To read to go further: The underside of pleasure, Alexia Bacouël, ed. Idéo, € 16.90. Sex for Dummies, Rica Étienne and Dr Sylvain Mimoun, ed. First, € 22.95 (April 2021).
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When is the ideal time for intercourse?
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