Author: JULIA FLETA PASCUAL
Few things generate as much anxiety in a couple as these three words: “we need to talk”. Perhaps it is because when we have listened to them, what has come after we have not liked, has caused an argument, or has meant the end of a relationship. We may have given these words a negative character and it doesn’t have to be that way.
What do you think if we turn these three words into something positive? Talking with our partner is not only a good thing, but also very healthy for our relationship.
In this article we intend to give some keys so that you do not avoid talking with your partner, but quite the opposite, so that you look for that communication and you find it useful and very satisfactory.
We must first start by explaining that, according to most studies, men and women have different communication styles, and not only that, but also, we use communication for different purposes. For example, Bengoenchea (1994) establishes differences between the cfemale communication and communication male. The latter would be characterized by a search for objectivity in their conversations, maintaining a distance with the other interlocutor, not paying too much attention to non-verbal messages and using communication in order to solve a problem. On the contrary, female communication would be characterized by a search for intimacy with the rest of the conversation participants, more subjective conversations and with many non-verbal messages, where communication is the end and not an objective. In other words, women use communication because the act of speaking is liberating, even therapeutic, with it they seek an emotional connection with the other person, however, most men tend to use communication with a purpose, it has There must be a reason, for example: I have a problem that I have been thinking about for days and I cannot find a solution, I have no choice but to talk about it and see if it helps me.
There are many theories about why men and women have different communication styles; several studies affirm that, since we are born, the messages we receive and how we receive them are determined by our gender. For example, there is a tendency that when attention is directed to a girl, the messages are in a pleasant, sweet tone, showing affection; while the messages that the children receive are more oriented towards an assertive whole, praising their characteristics as “boys”.
By this I do not mean that all women are the same, nor that all men are identical, but that each one has their own idiosyncrasy and must discover what style of communication they possess. You can be a man with a more “typically” feminine communication style and vice versa. Nor are we assuming that all couples are heterosexual, or even that the articulation of affective and sexual life is established in a generalized way with the traditional monogamic couple scheme (we are aware that there are different ways of articulating and living this dimension: polyamory , open couple, etc …). But if we take these characteristics described to the world of intimate communication, we can understand why sometimes men and women cannot communicate or understand each other: we could say that we speak different “languages”.
In addition to these differences, we must bear in mind that when facing a couple discussion, we can do it in several ways, for example, according to Christensen and Sullaway (1984) you can maintain constructive communication, avoidance communication or demand / withdrawal, or aggressive communication.
- In the constructive communication both members of the couple argue and come to a solution together.
- In lavoidant communication, both avoid discussion, in demand / withdrawal, one wants to talk, but the other avoids it.
- In aggressive communication both or one member of the couple uses yelling, disrespect, or name calling.
And with all this, then what do we do? We are going to give some keys to improve communication within the couple:
- Try to discover what communication style do you have and how you deal with an argument with your partner. Sometimes it is difficult for us to look “inwards” and analyze ourselves, but it is important to know oneself. We are not perfect, and knowing our strengths and weaknesses will help us when it comes to solving our problems.
- Try to discover what communication style does your partner have. likes to talk? Are you usually one of those who solve your problems without talking about them? Do you avoid conversations where emotions are discussed? That will give us many clues and also, we can do an exercise in empathy.
- Find the time and place to speak according to what topics. Just as it would not occur to you to tell a joke at a funeral, you cannot start an argument with your partner anywhere or at any time. You have to know how to choose the how, when and where.
- Search every day for a while to tell you what you have done throughout the day, a time and a space for you. Sometimes, with the rhythm of life we lead, family, work, etc … making room for your partner can be difficult, but we must not forget that relationships must be cared for and time must be invested in them, if not , they spoil.
- Avoid a discussion no it’s going to make the problem go away on its own. The best way to resolve a conflict is to talk about it and come to an agreement.
- Yelling, bad manners, or disrespect They will not solve anything, it is not a matter of saying it louder, but that the other person listens to you. We must never lose our ways and aggressive communication is the worst way to communicate.
- Finally, talk about your expectations, dreams, illusions… As the years go by, people change and your partner at 35 does not want the same thing he wanted at 25.
We hope that these keys help you to improve communication with your partner and to be happier in your relationship. So now you know, can we talk?
We wish to thank the writer of this article for this amazing content
WE SPEAK? 7 Keys to improve communication with your partner. | Amalthea Blog
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