‘The myths of romantic love limit and condition our romantic relationships’

Jose Alberto Medina Martin he is an expert in romantic love. As a psychologist, it is something that you often see in the office (something that you do both online and in person in Ciudad Real).

That is why I decided to interview him about what is one of the problems that affects me the most as millennial.


And it is that the myths about him take their toll on me to the point that they harm my relationships.

Especially when my unrealistic expectations of the other person are not met and cause anxiety – and the feeling that our story is not working.

The good news is that, according to the therapist, we can get rid of them.

How do myths of romantic love condition us?
In more than we can believe. The myths of romantic love limit and condition our romantic relationships a lot, and the key is in the expectation. Have you heard the phrase that in a (monogamous) relationship there are not two but three? Because the
The third party involved is the concept of the couple. If we curl the curl, we can say up to 4: you, me, what I think of the couple,
and what you think of the couple.

While one starts from a base, the other may disagree, and if there is no communication, and also, we add a little more myth of romantic love such as magical thinking (my partner must know what I am thinking) we already have the perfect cocktail to hurt us through recriminations. But not only conditions in the couple. It also makes us neglect another series of interpersonal relationships such as friendships, which can become more relevant than the partner itself. And it is that the myths of romantic love force us to follow a line through which other people stop passing, and that is a serious mistake.

Where do we learn them or how do they condition us?
From a very young age. Romantic relationships, as well as sexuality understood as a biopsychosocial dimension, move in a context, where gender culture, hegemonic masculinity and heteronorm have a key role. This organizes society insofar as we form links with others, and each one by our characteristics affects us according to what myths: men are educated with war and mechanical games, women in terms of services and care, especially emotional .

One sector of the population will have instilled a series of values ​​and expectations and the other sector, another type. Always remembering the exclusive vision of other sexualities, which is heteronormativity. The lgtbiqa + population is not exempt from having myths of romantic love. This conditions the approaches, the communicative style as well as the journey of the already formalized couple.

What kinds of problems do they generate in relationships?
Misunderstandings and discussions. Be careful with this! An argument is not synonymous with recrimination and accusation. An argument is a point of no meeting, which puts on the table the possibility of negotiation and growth, not only of unsolvable discrepancies.
Due to the myths of romantic love we understand that the existence of arguments is an objective proof that the couple is not the right one. And I am sorry to tell you that there is no one suitable or indicated insofar as it adapts to your being and you to theirs, under that myth of the better half. Everything has nuances.

If the discussions are frequent, it may be because the solution or solutions cannot be found, or it is unsustainable due to the effort that we must use. Be that as it may, communication is one of the central axes of the bond. A more serious complication can be emotional dependence. Although people need validation, since we are interdependent social beings, it is an error that the validation of your person comes in a majority percentage of your partner. Both parties are individual entities, and this is something that should not be forgotten.

What are the most common and / or problematic?
The most stereotyped by gender culture and the influence of Catholicism in our society: love is blind, love can do everything, whoever loves you well will make you cry, that someone who changes your life and fills you in all aspects If he loves you, he knows what you need, if I have to ask for it, it’s not worth it, etc.

Everything that has to do with romanticizing suffering and overexertion. Returning to the above, is it worth consecrating our existence elsewhere, which also makes us feel bad? Because read like this it sounds very hard and obviously we say no, but when the vehicle of these messages is Disney and other media content, it sinks without realizing our beliefs, in how we perceive the world around us.

How to run away from them?
It does not reside so much in fleeing but in understanding the reason for its existence. Romantic relationships, understood as the formation of a bond, fulfill a need, which should not always be due to lack of self, but rather due to the desire to evolve and grow, which is the healthiest position. Emphasize that we are people with the ability to fend for ourselves, for our capacities and abilities, learned and obtained bidirectionally by the environment (family, friends, colleagues, etc.) without the need for that key gear that the myths of romantic love They tell us that we need a partner in a monogamous relationship, it is essential.

Promoting an emotional education in the classrooms is something that psychologists have been struggling with for years and that also plays a key role in the way we interact. The myths of romantic love cannot be analyzed in isolation. Not all people start from the same base. The home, key experiences in childhood and adolescence, validation by attachment figures, as well as the support of a peer group together with socioeconomic and cultural variables, are relevant because they can function as protective or vulnerability factors. In short: educate, encourage sharing, not judge and accompany.

If you liked José Alberto’s answers, on his website you can contact him (sexesteem.es) or take a look at his Instagram: @sex_esteem.

Duchess Doslabios.

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‘The myths of romantic love limit and condition our romantic relationships’

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