The best sex for all

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Sex came naturally, but it’s not innate. You have to learn, experience and explore sexuality before it can become good. When you start a romantic relationship, sexuality is relatively simple, fun and fluid. We can quickly feel connected with the other and we experience an intense “rush” of physical sensation. The novelty is everywhere and we discover the other with each sexual relationship we have with this person. It takes little effort to feel sexually aroused and the desire seems to come spontaneously and frequently.

So why is it not lasting in long-term relationships? For what reasons does sexuality seem more difficult to start and feel sexual desire for one’s partner as time progresses? Sexual routine, redundancy, predictability of sexual intercourse, recurring and unresolved conflicts are often the culprits in this story.

The mountain of sex and its summit

We can compare the sexuality of a couple to a mountain to explore. At the beginning, we discover it and we are at the bottom of Mt. There are plenty of trails to discover, some seem easier than others and some seem impossible to overcome. The avenues you choose to explore at the start of a relationship are usually the easiest. Each track represents a part of you and your partner. Some are differences and conflicts to come, which we avoid at the beginning of the relationship. We only reveal what we are ready to make known to the other. We want to avoid rejection, so we don’t dare to make ourselves known, especially in terms of sexuality.

We often tend to always explore the same avenues in our sexuality. We do things that are familiar and where we feel safe. On the other hand, hiking on the same trail or having sex in the same way always brings us to the same point. We end up getting tired of it over time. This is where the sexual difficulties begin. It is more difficult to feel sexual desire to do the same thing again, so we are less excited which creates impatience, frustrations and displeasure during sex.

Wanting is power

On the other hand, exploring other avenues in sexuality comes with these pitfalls. One has to explore parts of the mountain (of oneself and the other) that are going to be difficult to overcome. We no longer feel the security we had before, because we find ourselves in unknown areas that have never been explored. You have to learn new ways of being and push your limits in your sexuality. Unfortunately, many couples don’t want to put in that effort to reach the top of their (sexual) mountain.

“Experiencing discomfort and sexuality usually don’t mix well for good sex. It’s true, but nothing in life is really worth it if you don’t put your mind to it and you don’t dare to exceed our comfort zone.

Tolerate the discomfort of exploring one’s sexual self

Sometimes we can even have difficulty in coming to terms with our sexual self. We limit ourselves in our sexual behavior due to our sexual education which has instilled negative messages. We adhere to these values ​​without questioning them, which harms our sexual evolution (exploring the dark side of your mountain). Couples often tell me that what’s going on in their head is more exciting than what’s going on in their bed, but don’t dare share it with their lover. When I ask the question “why can’t the two be more similar”: they often fear the reaction of the spouse or judge themselves on their sexual preferences.

Do you dare to fully discover your sexuality?

Experiencing discomfort and sexuality usually don’t mix well for good sex. It’s true, but nothing in life is really worth it if we don’t put our minds to it and we don’t dare to go beyond our comfort zone. Gathering courage and climbing the more strenuous and risky (sexual) mountain tracks will give us a better view and a better knowledge of our partner, as well as of ourselves.

“It is important here not to lose your integrity, but to dare to explore spheres of sexuality that previously made you uncomfortable.”

If you want sex to be easy and effortless, that’s your choice. On the other hand, you will only see the bottom of the mountain and stay there. You are never going to reach your full sexual potential or see the peak with all that entails. #unemauditebellevue

Concretely, what should we do to reach the top?

Life as a couple has become difficult, especially if we add children to the formula. However, this is not impossible. First, you have to prioritize the relationship and sexuality as well as develop your sexual creativity. You must tolerate revealing more about your sexuality with your partner and have the perseverance to continue despite difficulties and failures.

  • Try new ways to seduce your partner and initiate sex
  • Experiment with various attitudes during sex: sexy, humorous, dirty, in love, etc.
  • If you tend to be sweet, affectionate, and tender, try a more naughty, fierce, etc. sexuality. The reverse is also true.
  • Open the lights and your eyes
  • Look your partner in the eye for a long time
  • Focus on connecting with your lover and not just having an orgasm swap
  • Have fun rather than just getting excited and doing sexual techniques
  • Talk about your fantasies
  • Be spontaneous and try to surprise the other (It’s difficult, but not impossible)

Increasing your intimacy has been awkward

Eh yes! Sex in adulthood is not always fun and you will sometimes have to relive the same discomfort you felt before and during your first sexual encounters as a teenager. You know, that feeling of being incompetent and uncomfortable in front of the other. Remember the first time you were naked in front of another person, performing oral sex or performing cunnilingus. Were you confident? Probably not! You also remember that you overcame these discomforts and began to feel more comfortable over time. So now is the time to do the same with your eroticism and your sensuality. You will have to redefine your sexual self and your sexual preferences. It is important here not to lose your integrity, but to dare to explore spheres of sexuality that previously made you uncomfortable.

Learn to manage your discomfort

Time and experimentation often lessens this feeling of being sexually incompetent and pleasure eventually enters the equation. Once again, it is not a question here of not respecting or forcing oneself for the other, but really of questioning the blockages at our own pleasure. Getting to know yourself and getting to know yourself sexually is a process that can be laborious and brings up emotions that are difficult to manage. On the other hand, just like the metaphor of the mountain, taking the trouble to overcome the obstacles on our way allows us toREACH NEW HEIGHTS that we have never before imagined.

Francois Renaud MA
Sexologist psychotherapist Montreal

Specializes in couples therapy

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The best sex for all

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