If you are going to consult a psychotherapist sexologist, you will probably be asked this question eventually. A little intrusive, awkward to answer such an intimate question to a stranger who has known you for a few hours. Sometimes, we don’t really know what to answer or what is the “right” answer that our sex therapist wants to hear to be considered normal.
This is also the answer that I am often offered: “Well…there! Nothing abnormal there…uh. Traditional, typical things, but nothing flat on the other hand…” The fear of being judged on our sexual fantasies is very prevalent in general among individuals. We fear what others will think of our fantasies and what our body reacts to sexually.
Why ask the question?
Because your sexual preferences say a lot about you. How you were loved. How you love others. What are your insecurities, your emotional wounds. What are your strengths and limitations in sexuality. Where are your sexual blockages? What kind of sex education did you receive. Everything for a person to be really comfortable revealing themselves! (read in a sacarstic tone).Obviously, the goal is not to judge negatively, but to help live a sexuality without “too much” blockage.
“Tell me how you make love and I’ll tell you how you were loved.”
– Ester Perel
The fantasy itself doesn’t really say much about you. Rather, it’s the meaning you bring to it and the elements that excite you more specifically. The psychotherapist sexologist notices and reflects observations that can indicate aspects that can “harm” your pleasure and satisfaction. Sexual fantasies and preferences are constructed based on our past relationship and sexual experiences. Wounds or triumphs experienced are often eroticized. Our sexual imagination is a place where we feel in control of the situation, where we can leave ourselves completely free to explore the spheres of sexuality, without danger. A space where no one has access to the content. In short, a little secret garden!
Should we share our fantasies with our partners?
Even between sexologist psychotherapists, we do not agree on the answer to this question. Some will favor having a certain secret garden, others strongly suggest disclosure, but only fantasies that we feel comfortable sharing.
Can we really be honest and fully authentic with our partner if we refuse to reveal our fantasies? Can we really claim that the other knows us fully, if we don’t dare to expose ourselves to our lover? What improvement does the sexual secret garden provide to the couple’s sexuality? Can we harm the couple’s sexuality by revealing their fantasies?
“A person who accepts himself and his sexuality in all its forms will prefer to be known and rejected rather than to be accepted for who he/she is not really.”
It is clear that revealing one’s fantasies comes with its share of emotion and meaning as listed above. The human being has two fundamentally opposed desires. He wants to be known and to share his inner self, but he also wants to be accepted, loved, appreciated by others. These two desires can sometimes be congruent, but fantasies often come to put them in opposition in a romantic relationship. We want so much to share them with the other, but the risk of not gaining acceptance is often too great.
Intimacy at its deepest
Sharing a fantasy is a moment of intimacy. Intimacy being defined as self-disclosure where our partner discovers new information about our person. When we reveal ourselves, we always take a risk that the other will appreciate us less, reject us or refuse to accept this part of ourselves. A person who accepts himself and assumes his/her sexuality in all its forms will prefer to be known and rejected than to be accepted for what he/she is not really.
The image we project of ourselves
To feel accepted, we filter the information we offer to be perceived from a good angle. We hide our flaws or the parts of our sexuality that bother us. We trust the opinion of those around us to define our value more than relying on our own perceptions of ourselves. An intimacy that is validated by the other, where you only let the parts of your sexuality be known that you accept or that the other will accept. We then stagnate in sexuality, because part of it remains in darkness to protect ourselves from judgments and rejection.
Vomit his intimacy
Sharing an intimate moment and being fully authentic does not mean everything at once. I rather call it throwing up one’s intimacy than sharing. There is an advantage to not revealing everything immediately, because it maintains a mystery and a novelty to be discovered in the exploration of sexuality with our lover over the long term. There is often a hidden desire to be accepted in the vomiting of his intimacy. This avoids committing and getting attached to another person only to learn that they will eventually reject us.
Sharing a fantasy should be seen as a moment of vulnerability where the space will not necessarily be safe. Our partner can react well and rejoice in this sexual preference where he/she could also react badly. However, your partner’s reaction does not determine your sexual value. His reaction will be more determinant of his own issues than yours.
What do you like about sex?
The next time you are asked the question, will you be able to appreciate your sexuality and feel fully free to reveal your sexual preferences and fantasies? Will you filter information to avoid rejection and maintain a more accepted image?
Sexologist psychotherapist Montreal
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Sexual fantasies: Do you dare to reveal them?
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