Sexual assertiveness Why don’t we talk about sex? – Lasexologia.com

Do you know what sexual assertiveness is? It is what you are thinking, is to be assertive in the sexual sphere. This includes a number of behaviors that we will now look at. Assertiveness on a psychological level is considered part of social communication skills. It would be the middle ground between passivity (not communicating or not asking) and aggressiveness (saying things in a bad way). It is about being able to express what we need, feel or want in a clear and non-aggressive way, without invading or pointing out the other person.

And sexual assertiveness is the ability to communicate our needs and desires on a sexual level. This includes initiating or proposing sexual contacts when we feel like it and being able to talk about what we like, both before and during or after sexual intercourse. It is also being able to say no, if we do not want to have sex, or if we do not like something or do not feel like it at the moment. All this also implies the negotiation of the use of contraceptive or barrier methods to avoid genitally transmitted infections.

The sexual assertiveness that we have depends a lot on the sexual education that we have received. And the bad part here is that most of us have had little sex education. There is a lot of talk about pornography as a source of sex education. Since no one tells us what it is about, many adolescents may refer to pornography, which is not a reliable representation of sexual intercourse for many reasons. But, in addition to pornography, there are other influences. For example, we often do not reflect on the possible influence of the movies we see on television or in the cinema, since we are children. And it turns out that the representation of sexual relations in movies and series is also very far from real life. And these types of unreal interactions remain at the bottom of our imaginary as “what should be” a sexual relationship.

This has several consequences. On the one hand, we may go to sex trying to reproduce (or expect our partner to reproduce) what we see in pornography or in Hollywood movies. I anticipate that things do not usually go well. Real relationships are not as glamorous as the movies show us and it is very likely that your partner does not like you pulling their hair or spitting on them without prior consent as happens in pornography. Another question that is given because our sexual education is based mainly on movies and series is that we think that in sexual relations it has to be all super spontaneous, “natural” and fluid. And when this is not the case, which is many times, especially at the beginning of the relationship when we do not know the other person, we get frustrated. But if things don’t go well, we don’t usually talk about it a lot because it has to be like in the movies. And in the movies they don’t talk about these things.

In the movies the characters understand each other wonderfully without saying a word. Almost by telepathy. And we always see the same type of scenes, with which the message that reaches us is that “that’s what you do” and that all people have to like the same thing. That is, two passionate kisses and immediate penetration without much else. But bodies, especially bodies with a vagina, need some preparation to be able to receive a penetration and for it to be pleasant. It takes time and stimulation of other parts of the body beforehand so that there can be excitement and that the vagina dilate, widen, lubricate …

If we stay with this cinematographic vision of sexual relations, it is very likely that we will try to reproduce over and over again things that are not satisfactory, at least for one of the parties. This is why we said that everything has to be “natural” (whatever that is) and fluid. The other person has to know by telepathy what we like and what we need to get excited and enjoy. But here not even previous experience with other people helps us, because people are very diverse, with different tastes from anyone else. And we can plant ourselves in a relationship of I don’t know how many years without ever having talked with our partner about what we like in sex and what not. Something we can know through trial and error and there are some couples who understand each other wonderfully without having talked too much about it. But it is not usually the usual and the best way to understand each other is by speaking. So even in these couples who know each other so well, talking can always add some nuance or detail that was going unnoticed by the other person.

We live in a society in which for a long time sex has been a constant “that is not talked about.” Less and less, but we still drag this conception to the point that there are couples who have been together all their lives but who are ashamed to be able to talk about these issues while having a coffee. It is very important to be able to talk about it openly, both before, during and after relationships. Talking it before can give our partner clues about what our likes, wants and needs are. Speaking during is very useful when it comes to giving indications about whether we are liking it or if something could be done to make things even better. And talking later helps us to share what things we liked to be able to repeat them and which ones better to discard for future occasions.

In short, each person is a world and the best way to know what our partner likes is by asking questions and creating open communication spaces to be able to experience everything we want and have more satisfactory sexual relations.

Picture of Renate Vanaga for Unsplash

Share this post:

We would like to give thanks to the author of this write-up for this outstanding material

Sexual assertiveness Why don’t we talk about sex? – Lasexologia.com


You can find our social media profiles as well as other pages related to it.https://catherinecoaches.com/related-pages/

Catherine Coaches