In a previous article, I ended with the following question addressed to straight cis men: What if your partners started asking for what they like? If they said this yes, or this no? Or better this way, or better this other way?
I know that many would gain from this situation: it would improve their communication and intimacy as a couple, they would expand their erotic knowledge, they would improve their self-esteem as lovers and their body self-esteem, their partner would have a greater desire to have erotic encounters, etc.
But why is it that when this happens, when some women are capable of expressing their desires to their male partner, when they put limits on them, when they try to teach them what they like, sometimes the reaction of some couples is not what they expected?
Here are some of the phrases that are sometimes heard in the sexology consultation:
“Your pain is an excuse not to have sex with me” (him)
“I don’t want him to feel bad if I tell him that I like the way he gives me oral sex more than the way he masturbates me” (her)
“When I tell him I don’t feel like it, he stops talking to me for two days” (she)
How difficult in this scenario to get them to ask, set limits or express their wishes. Even worse if you are afraid that your partner is going to react with some kind of manipulation, blackmail or psychological abuse (more common than we imagine. In this sense, I recommend reading the fanzine “take the blame off me” by Cristina Lizarraga.
I wonder what is behind that reaction.
Insecurity as a lover?
Many men have been educated in an idea of masculinity that makes it difficult for them to show (or accept) that they don’t know how to do this or that thing very well. Some find it intimidating that the satisfier he gives more pleasure to his girlfriend’s clitoris than they do themselves. Could it be that he actually likes it more? Could be! But like everything in life, the question is to put on, have a good attitude, a desire to learn, respect and ask and listen, and by practicing and letting yourself be guided… many men improve their qualities as lovers, believe me.
Your sexuality is important, of course. But if you share it with other person(s) at that moment, yours is just as important as the rest. It’s not a matter of winning or losing, the important thing is to participate! But nothing, again (toxic) masculinity telling you no, that you have gone to that sexual encounter to finish off the job like bullfighters. And what you want is to put it in. But what if she doesn’t want that? What if her penetration hurts? What if at the beginning of the sexual encounter she wanted to, but not anymore? Than? The correct answer is respect, not force.
It is also not correct to insist or manipulate, that she feels bad and that she ends up “letting herself” so that you can get her in and out through the front door. What would this be her name? (see short film “I’m ordinary” which illustrates very well what I say).
What consequences does this way of relating have for her? I can think of: vaginismus, dyspareunia (pain on penetration), problems with desire, deterioration of the couple’s relationship, rejection of him, rejection of herself, rejection of sexuality in general…
And for him…?
Hopefully this 2022 we achieve egalitarian, desired, consensual, respected and pleasurable sexual relations. That would be winning, but we would all win there.
We are a center specialized in sexology and couples. We are in the center of Madrid. We are a team made up of sexologists and sexologists, and specialized in guidance, support, sexological advice and therapy for people with sexual or affective problems. If you want more information, contact us.
Bibliography and webography of the article:
- Fanzine “Take the blame off me”, author: Cristina Lizarraga. Publisher: Pikara.2020.
We would love to say thanks to the author of this post for this outstanding web content
Men who do not respect women’s sexuality – Lasexologia.com
You can find our social media profiles here as well as other pages on related topics here.https://catherinecoaches.com/related-pages/