Many times we receive couples of men and women who come due to lack of desire or low desire. In many cases, this low desire usually occurs in them, but sometimes also in them, or in both parts of the couple. This does not only happen in relationships between men and women, it can also be found in relationships between men or between women. When we dig a little deeper into what is happening, we often find a similar pattern in some couples and in others.
When you’ve been in a relationship for a while, it’s common for the desire we feel at first for the other person to go transforming. It does not necessarily mean that the desire goes down, but it does usually occur in a different way than it did at the beginning of the relationship. When we start seeing each other with a new person, the erotic desire is usually quite high. Many times the people we accompany tell us that a touch or a look was enough to start the meetings and that they felt like it all the time. But this usually lasts from a few months to a year or two. When that period of time passes, the desire becomes somewhat calmer. And in some cases it gets too low.
When we start a relationship, practically anything we do with the other person on a sexual level is worth it because the desire and arousal are very high. Even if it’s always the same four things. But time goes by, relationships evolve on many levels, on an emotional level, perhaps you start living with the other person, on an intimate level… however, we often hope that on a sexual level things will not change. And if everything evolves and changes in relationships, why shouldn’t the sexual part also evolve? It makes no sense to think that everything will remain as it was in the beginning in this particular area.
When asking about the things that worked before, the ones that could work now and the ones that are not working, we often come to the same conclusion: we keep doing the same thing as before and it no longer works. The feeling generated by thinking about having sex now is rather one of laziness, of complying or of “reset the counter” until the next time.
And because? When the desire drops it can be due to many reasons: stress, tiredness, problems in the relationship, the way in which our partner tries to seduce us, we no longer like it… But if we focus on that feeling of laziness, it is usually associated with a “Ugh, to think about having to do all that now…”. “All that” usually refers to getting excited enough to do A, B and C and end up penetrating and having an orgasm for both people. This that at the beginning of the relationship cost little, now it is done uphill.
Penetration is surely the most demanding practice on a sexual level. Both people have to have a very high point of excitement so that the penis has a complete erection, the vagina is lubricated and dilated enough to receive a penetration in a pleasant way, it is also physically demanding for certain postures, etc. Before it was easy because the desire turned on quickly and now it needs a little more time or other types of stimuli.
Also, for many women, penetration can be pleasurable but by itself does not usually give orgasms, as most women orgasm with clitoral stimulation. For some women, penetration is downright boring. The center of pleasure is located in the clitoris, since there are very few nerve endings in the vagina. And yet, the “star” practice that is not usually lacking in sexual relations is penetration.
We have sexual relations closely associated with the idea of intercourse, to the point that if there is no penetration, sometimes it is not even considered a sexual relationship at a social level. These ideas are highly mediated by the education we receive and what we see in the media, movies and series. We are told that sexual intercourse is just that: penetration. And the rest of the things that can be done, just one way to reach that goal.
Nobody tells us that there are other options, other practices or games that can be pleasurable in themselves and not a means to reach any goal. Nor do they tell us that for women pleasure is usually in other places than in the vagina. And many times we keep repeating for years and years a practice that for most women is fine but it is not what gives the most pleasure. And that it also needs us to dedicate time to generating a good level of excitement so that it is not unpleasant or painful.
For men it is also a demanding practice and sometimes the “obligation” of always having to get there when maybe other things feel more like it can be overwhelming. And the desire goes down. This also happens in relationships between men when everything revolves around penetration.
In relationships between women there is usually no boredom of penetration because both parties usually prefer other practices and if penetration is done it is because it really feels like it and not because it is “what has to be done”. To men, regardless of their orientation, the messages that reach them from a very young age is that to satisfy the other person, you have to insert your penis somewhere. And all this is associated in turn with ideas of virility.
If in our head having sex is the same as penetrating, we will think that we have to feel like having intercourse all the time. And if we don’t feel like having intercourse all the time, something is wrong or we don’t feel like it. And it does not have to be that way.
We may want to touch the body of the other person, hug us, give us massages, touch or kiss their genitals and much more. We can feel desire and arousal in many different ways that may not always include or end in penetration.
Enjoying our sexual relations more often involves decoitalizing, that is, removing the focus from penetration as the most important practice or that it always has to be. When we do that, we have the opportunity to explore other possibilities, expand our range of erotic practices and approach relationships in a different way, without pressure or stress and with no other objective than to enjoy what we do.
We are a center specialized in sexology and couples. We are in the center of Madrid. We are a team made up of sexologists and sexologists, and specialized in guidance, support, sexological counseling and therapy for people with sexual or relationship problems. If you want more information, contact us.
We would like to say thanks to the author of this short article for this awesome material
Lack of desire…or boredom of penetration? – Lasexologia.com
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