Insecure men and the weight of hegemonic masculinity – Lasexologia.com

* Throughout the article when I talk about men, I will be referring to cisgender men, that is, men who are not trans * or not binaries.

More and more men are asking for sexological advice because they do not fit in with what is expected of them as men and lovers. This idea tends to generate insecurity which, in turn, can lead to low self-esteem, lack of skills when it comes to flirting and establishing relationships, and lack of lovemaking skills and / or difficulties in their erotic response.

They are usually men who see themselves outside the norm, who define themselves as a weirdo and that they think that they are the only men to whom what happens to them. However, it is a reality that the social construction of masculinity (and femininity) does not play in our favor when it comes to living our sexuality fully.

If we think for a moment about how we imagine what an attractive man is, with a satisfying and fulfilling erotic life, would we describe him as shy, quiet and clumsy? What would your physique be like? Would we imagine him very thin or very fat, bald or with a lot of hair? Would it be a racialized man with functional diversity? Would he be a trans * man? I heard Miquel Missé comment on the podcast Real men have curves that today the idea of machote because he is the guy / man who continues to be successful with women. Associating the attractiveness in heterosexual male culture, to avoiding being the pringado of the kind that does not link with any, or to be the fagot of the group.

Why do we continue to punish non-hegemonic masculinities as a society? Why do we continue to be complicit in this system? Who benefits from this construction of masculinity? Of the majority of the men who come seeking help, almost none. Being male, gay / bisexual / straight, right now, is difficult. You have to be a gymnast in bed, last for hours and hours, always be ready, you have to like porn, masturbate, have flirting skills, take care of your physique, you will like to penetrate more than to be penetrated (if you are heterosexual of course the anus is not touched) and above all, above all, if one day you doubt, you are afraid, you feel lost, your erection goes down or you are not capable, you will not tell anyone, especially your friends.

So is it just shy men, the ones who don’t fit in there? Or are there more men who do not fit in and the problem is that they do not count it? Or is it that they don’t tell it because they don’t want to be the weirdo or the slob? And I wonder when they will stop thinking that they are the first man to have this difficulty?

It is important to reflect on how what it is to be a man is culturally constructed to understand that what happens to you is not just you.

There are many men insecure.

There are many men shy.

There are many men with little or no erotic experience.

There are many men they need to learn to flirt.

There are many men who have not dated.

There are many men who think that sexual intercourse is tricky terrain.

There are many men who are not comfortable with their physique.

There are many men that conventional porn does not excite them.

There are many men they don’t sleep with someone on the first date.

There are many men feeling clumsy or lost in a sexual encounter.

There are many gay men who think they are less of a man for having a passive sexual role.

There are many men that at some point in their life, they have lost their erection.

There are many men like you.

And that’s fine.

Questioning, reflecting, rethinking about all this is essential in this type of accompaniment because it takes away a lot of pressure and this reassures. Afterwards, each demand will be attended to in a particular way: whoever needs help to flirt will be given tools, whoever has had some difficulty in their sexual response as well.

I would love for these men to be the men of the future. Let them be the norm. Can you help me? I may be left with fewer clients, but in the long run, I prefer it.

Craig McLachlan on Unsplash

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Insecure men and the weight of hegemonic masculinity – Lasexologia.com


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