Sex life is often a source of tension because it is an integral part of a relationship. Not all individuals are comfortable talking about their discomfort related to this subject, so we have to demystify the taboo around sexuality a little.
Talking about your sexual dissatisfaction with your partner is one of the most delicate subjects. We fear hurting the other or being blamed for our own shortcomings or insecurities in our sexuality. Telling your partner that you have never been very sexually satisfied or that you haven’t been for a long time is heartbreaking for the couple. We may have the impression that we will realize the sexual incompatibility of the relationship. We fear having to play the sexual teacher with his / her spouse … Major turn off for many people!
“Basically, you have the choice of throwing the grenade into the dynamics of the couple or waiting to be surprised and pound on a mine that will explode in your face. “
It is not uncommon to hear a person say: “I could NEVER say that to my boyfriend / girlfriend. He / she will be destroyed. Our relationship will not survive this. ” We can’t save ourselves from the couple’s sexual problems, they always end up catching up with us. So, basically, you have the choice of throwing the grenade into the dynamic of the couple or waiting to be surprised and pound on a mine that will explode in your face.
Choose to wait to pound on the mine
When we choose to wait, this long delay gives the impression that things are not so serious, that they are tolerable, since they are put aside. However, this false impression of “non-conflict” comes to create accumulated bitterness and we end up perceiving the unease that has built up over the days and we choose all the same not to pretend anything. We can describe it all as avoidance. Finally, our partner is very likely to feel neglected and avoided in this fuzzy situation and will end up feeling completely rejected.
This gear will be poisoned by the desire for revenge and the vindictive tendency to finally come to create an enemy in his own house. All this, for having decided to wait to express to our partner the dissatisfaction that we may feel. In the meantime, they will not go away. On the contrary, a conflict risks being created and adding weight to the dissatisfaction experienced.
Choose to throw the grenade
Choosing the pomegranate is having the power to establish an alliance within the couple through a difficult time. Yes it’s true you do explode the semblance of peace between the two of you, but you have more control over the outcome of the explosion which is inevitable anyway. Can you choose how you’re going to say it? Take the time to think about it and adapt to the different variations that may exist.
It is quite normal to take a step back when a conflict erupts. As soon as this happens, you are seldom willing to deal with it immediately, as the emotion is sometimes too strong to think clearly. Taking the time to calm down allows for a much more effective and calm discussion. The greatest difficulty for couples is managing their emotions in the face of conflicts that shake up the relationship.
A third option, please?
We love each other, we are safe from everything! Think again, love within a union is not the test of everything. Even if two people love each other passionately, an unresolved or avoided conflict that lasts over time can quickly bring you closer to separation. However, the love between the individuals of the couple makes it easier to navigate the rough waters. There is not really a third option where you do not have to live the discomfort of these discussions which come to shake the foundation of the couple.
But how to talk about it and absorb the shock of the explosion?
The first step in sexual dissatisfaction is to understand the origin of the problem. We must ask ourselves what caused this one, where did it take root?
- What does not make me happy about our sexuality?
- Lack of seduction
- The routine and predictability of our relationships
- Lack of emotional and / sexual complicity
- Differences in sexual preferences and practices
- Lack of depth and degree of intimacy
- The partner’s embarrassment and shyness in trying new things
- What would I like to change?
- What can I change?
- How do I approach the subject?
- What is my share of responsibility?
When we have decided on the origin of the problem, we must then develop an idea of the reaction of the other to the announcement of this news. This allows you to prepare for your emotional state and defuse the situation. You have to be patient and let your partner digest the situation. One cannot expect his / her partner to receive the message and be fully agreeing or welcoming. We must then show compassion for the wound that has just been opened. Recognize his effort and the courage to have tackled such a thorny subject.
Finally, managing couple conflicts will allow you to go through the pitfalls you experience on a daily basis and will solidify the union, because your partner will not be seen as an enemy, but as an ally. Knowing how to recognize our irritants and name them is already a step towards success. Usually, we chose our life partner for the right reasons, so we have to make sure to maintain the bond and love in the relationship. Do not ensure that these are extinguished by the difficulties experienced on a daily basis.
A happy medium for a better balance!
Undergraduate student in sexology
Editor for lesexologue.ca
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