Desire Me, STP!

Do you know a couple who have had sexual difficulties, a breakdown of desire or loss of libido? It is very likely that you will answer no, because people do not dare to talk about their intimate difficulty with their loved one to those around them. On the other hand, I find myself in my office with an array of individuals and couples with the challenges that sexuality brings.

It is one of the most complex mysteries to solve for a couple to keep the flame in a relationship and maintain sexual satisfaction with the same partner. Some will open up the couple to remedy the situation by seeking variety among several sexual partners. On the other hand, for those who prefer monogamy and the advantages it provides, how to get there. What are the challenges and pitfalls of a fulfilling sexuality? If I love my partner, shouldn’t I want him / her too?

I want to be wanted vs I need to be wanted

Everyone desires to be wanted because it brings about a pleasant feeling of being wanted, appreciated, loved and offers us validation of our person and desirability. Where the situation becomes less desirable is when you feel that the other has need to be desired. It is no longer an invitation to sexuality and a sharing of mutual pleasure, but a begging for comfort from a fragile ego. When our partner insists, calls out, criticizes or puts pressure on having sex that one does not want, it decreases even more the sexual desire towards him or her. We feel the lack of trust and dependence in the other and without having the impression that we are offered anything in return.

A partner whom we desire sexually is a person whom we admire and respect, because they show respect for themselves and for us. Without respect for oneself and for the other, there cannot be the flame of desire. In all couples there is a Ppartner with Pread from Dand (PPD) and one Ppartner with Moins de Dand (PMD) which generates a variety of dynamics. the PPD often need to be desired which motivates and justifies his relentlessness. He / she feels a lot of insecurity with regard to his / her desirability which can only be comforted by the PMD of the couple.

The PPD paradox

The PPD does not really want the PMD, but has need to be desired which makes him / her less desirable by the same fact. The PPD has a job to do with regard to self-validation and feeling one’s own sense of desirability without being hurt by the refusal of the PMD. On the other hand, this is often presented by the PPD, even sometimes by the PMD as being an immense biological libido which must be answered. If this were really the case, the PPD would not react so insistently and might be satisfied with masturbation if their sexual desire is only motivated by biological impulses.

This explanation and motivation to obtain sex also detracts from the PMD’s desire for PPD, as the subtext of it is as follows: I don’t want you, I want sex. You are my partner so you owe it to yourself to fulfill this need to satisfy me, because we are in a monogamous relationship.

Go from one need to be desired has a desire to be desired allows the PPD to demonstrate more confidence, sexual assertiveness and an invitation to share an intimate moment with the other. This approach that is more inclusive in her sexuality than selfish eliminates the dynamic of pity sex that one regularly finds in long-term relationships.

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The PMD paradox

More often than rarely, PMD also has need to be desired by their PPD. The PMD is also constantly reassured that their partner has more desire. It becomes less secure when the PPD validates itself more by him / herself and no longer seeks sexuality to satisfy his insecurities. When the PPD comforts himself and feels his own sense of desirability, it regularly triggers an insecure reaction in the PMD. The PPD no longer whines, does not criticize and he / she is no longer at the request of the PMD. This can take the pressure off in the short term, but in the long term it destabilizes the borrowed functioning of the relationship.

The position of not wanting your partner becomes threatening, as the other has other options now. He / She no longer has the addiction which was certainly invasive, but also reassuring. It is not uncommon for the PMD to suddenly have a desire for the PPD, but it is not for the other, but a need to be wanted. She / He tries to recreate a hope for the other to find the initial dynamic. If the PPD does not really validate and self-comfort in its insecurities, the borrowed operation will start again.. On the other hand, if a real work on oneself has been accomplished, the PPD will refuse poor quality sexuality or sex out of pity. He / She will want a partner who offers a presence and a real interest to invest in the relationship and sexuality.

I want to desire the other

Who really wants to desire? Not as many people as you might think! Our narcissistic issues, our wounds of abandonment, our desire to please and the fear of rejection are more often the engines of our sexual desire towards our partner. Few people want to take the risk of wanting each other more than they are desired. It is too risky and dangerous to be less wanted than we want our partner. This is why neither the PPD nor the PMD really wants their spouse.

To be able to desire the other, one must demonstrate self-respect, confidence and a sense of desirability. This is brought out by sexual assertiveness and an acceptance that our partner has plus Where less of desire that we. On the other hand, this is not an acceptance that our partner is disengaging from sexuality, but a commitment to go beyond their limits to become a more mature partner.

Tolerating a deeper intimacy that gives meaning to sexuality for a monogamous couple requires developing relationship and sexual maturity. We learn over time to tolerate discomfort and self-comfort our own insecurities rather than wanting our partner to adapt to them.

Author: François Renaud

Sexologist & psychotherapist in Montreal

Specializes in couples therapy

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