BLOG – His view of sexuality destroyed our marriage

* Told in these terms to Gita Negi

Our first night after the wedding was quite bizarre. It didn’t happen like in the movies, or like in the novels. A simple formality: barely started, immediately finished. Lying on the flowery bed, I wondered, “Is that how it’s supposed to be? Without attentions or compliments, or even a conversation?”

I later found out that married couples really have sex, an exchange of adorable little things, and a lot of physical and brain arousal before it comes to the actual act.

I was doomed never to know everything my friends spoke to me about, blushing as they unpacked the details of their intimate nights.

It was then that I understood.

I was doomed never to know everything my friends spoke to me about, blushing as they unpacked the details of their intimate nights.

Of course, over the years I got used to my husband’s very down to earth approach. But, what gnawed at me was the fact that even going through our bedroom door, we had no emotional attachment. He never asked me how I felt, what I thought, or what I wanted from life. This utter disregard for my emotional needs made me colder and colder. My body became inert under his heavy body.

From there it only got worse.

When our sex life got miserable, it spilled over into other aspects of our daily lives.

Her incessant sexual demands and my reluctance to face her attitude – to which had been added violence and obsessive control of my life – affected our married life, under the covers and on a daily basis. I couldn’t happily offer myself to the man who didn’t respect me and consider my opinion.

When our sex life got miserable, it spilled over into other aspects of our daily lives. Arguments, both verbal and physical, have become recurrent. Even if calm returned for a few weeks, the underlying problems resurfaced again. I felt that his behavior was rooted in his sexual frustration and his expectations of me, while my inability to react was a direct result of the emotional void that had completely overwhelmed me. We had entered a vicious cycle, and each attempt at a discussion brought us back to where we started.

He was blaming his anger on my inability to satisfy him. I justified my lack of receptivity by his coldness. And the problems piled up.

At the time, I spoke from time to time to a friend who was going through a similar situation. Her husband had an insatiable sexual appetite that she couldn’t satisfy. This sexual incompatibility pushed her husband to look elsewhere. The worst part is that she knew it, but decided not to do anything.

When I asked her how she came to endure these deceptions, she replied with indifference that as long as her husband came back to her, it didn’t matter if he spent a few hours elsewhere. Was I ready for such a compromise? Probably not. I had always been the kind of girl to decide between all or nothing.

I finally made up my mind to leave him when the physical assaults became unbearable.

And now, after two children, eight years of marriage and multiple abortions, we were back to square one. Except that I finally made up my mind to leave him when the physical attacks became unbearable and the scars too hard to hide. I obtained a restraining order against him, guaranteeing my safety.

Sometimes, of course, I tell myself that we could be reconciled. I know children need their father. But when I look back on our life together, I tell myself that our chaotic relationship might offend their young minds, and I hold back.

My children are much better off with a comfortable parent than with two parents who are constantly in conflict.

I work in medicine, I live alone with my two children in Australia and I am happy.

* Gita Negi, corporate trainer, writes because it is vital for her. She contributes to many sites, including Womensweb, Youthkiawaaz, Feminisminindia and others, on topics related to women and children. When reality is too hard to face, she takes her eight month old son with her to a magical world where they make up stories.

This blog, originally posted onBonobology.comand taken up bythe Huffington Post indien, has been translated by Lola Duclos for Fast for Word.

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BLOG – His view of sexuality destroyed our marriage


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